Lupin's Worst Nightmare
by Scarlett Rogue
Summary: Remus thought there was nothing more terrifying then his friends not accepting him for being a werewolf...until wand waving, lap dances and badly delivered movie lines come into the picture. After this Lupin will need plenty of ink.


**Summary: Remus thought there was nothing more terrifying then his friends not accepting him...until wand waving, lap dances and badly delivered movie lines come into the picture.**

**Rated: T to be safe**

**Disclaimer: Why do I even bother with this? You all know I didn't create Harry Potter (but many cheers to the woman that did!).**

"Ohmygod, it can't be! He can't be! This is Remus we're talking about, right?" Peter's shrill voice could be heard throughout the entire Griffindor common room, hence why the more sensible boys made sure everyone was gone before telling Peter.

"It's true!"

"What do we do? Does he know that we know that he's a werewolf?"

"Not yet, and I doute he'll take it lightly. There's a reason Remus never told us before. He obviously thinks we won't accept him for it," James stated matter-of-factly, scratching his head. Sirius' fist came slamming down on the small table.

"Then we must impress upon him how much he means to us!" Sirius growled. Though James was considered the leader, he sat back meekly and allowed Sirius to guide the conversation.

"But how??" Peter squeaked.

"Easy. Remus is muggle-born, correct? So that means he's probably seen many muggle movies, sooo..." Sirius waited for comprehension to dawn on the other boys, but they sat stiff as statues, eyeing Sirius as if they meant to question his sanity.

"SO!" Sirius threw his hands up in exasperation. "That means we take the best lines from these movies and use them to convince Remus that he means the world to us!"

"But only YOU have seen these movies, Sirius. We can't possibly-"

"Silence! Just follow my lead and this will all work out."

*

Remus entered the common room with a stack full of books under his arms and saw that his three friends were milling around.

"Perfect! Can you guys help me with these?" He struggled to balance the books as Sirius came over and removed them all from his hands, flinging them onto a nearby couch.

"Um, those belong to the library." Remus gave Sirius a critical look.

"Sit down, Remus. We need to talk." Remus, noting the seriousness in his eyes, sat down quietly.

"Remus, we know you're werewolf." James stated and watched as the boy in question seemed to be having an aneurysm.

"But it's okay, we love you just the way you are!"

"You don't understand, I'm a-"

"No, you don't understand! We cannot deny each other of all that we can accomplish together, of a friendship that will define us all in ways we cannot yet imagine!" Sirius said. Peter and James turned their faces away and tried not to laugh.

"Sirius...are you feeling okay?"

"Absolutely! Now, back to the argument-"

"Hey, if you're cool with it, them I'm cool with it. I'm going to head off to bed now, night!" Remus headed for the stairs, leaving the three boys confused and frustrated. This was not the argument they prepared for. Sirius nodded to James and the handsome young man jumped in front of Remus waving his wand in the air.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" He thrust his wand to the floor and the three boys waiting for the floor to crack and fall. Remus looked on with unease. When the floor did nothing, Sirius scratched his head.

"Hm...That worked a lot better for Gandalf."

"Can I go to bed now?"

"Wait, Remus!" Peter grabbed him by the arm and hauled him to the couch. "There's no need to be uneasy, we love you!" Peter thrust himself at Remus and began serenading him. Words seemed to have failed Remus by now. Sirius took this opportunity to deliver what he thought was the best line.

"Peter, he's a werewolf, that's why he's been missing classes!" Sirius sat up and squared his shoulders, looking very proud of himself.

"Yes," Remus said slowly. "We've already discussed that."

"Oh, um. Well. JAMES!" They were fighting a losing battle, it was time for extremes. James puffed up his chest and looked Remus dead in the eye.

"Remus, I am your father!"

"..." Remus looked as if he feared for his life, so James motioned for Peter to continue with their plan.

"When you look me in the eye and tell me that you love me, every thing's alright, when you're right here by my side!" peter sang, straddling a very confused Remus.

"Dear god, no! Not the Jonas Brothers, anything but the Jonas Brothers!" Remus shoved Peter off his lap and rushed for the stairs.

"KILL THE SPARE!" Sirius shouted. All motion stopped at this point.

"Kill the- Where the hell did you hear THAT from?" James asked. Sirius' comment was startling enough to stop Remus in his tracks, so the black-haired boy pulled him back to the couch and stared deep into his eyes.

"Remus," he said tenderly. "I just want you to know that you are the last man I could ever love."

Sirius obviously didn't think this one through too much and Remus made a strange gurgling noise before hunching over into himself and sobbing loudly. The three boys swarmed around him and tried to comfort him.

"See, I told you he would act this way," Sirius shouted over a particularly shriek-like sob. "There, there, Remus. Let it out. What is necessary is never unwise."

"STOP QUOTING STARTREK!"

"Shall I go ahead with the lap dance?" Peter stood up now, unbuttoning his pants.

"NO! No, I'm fine, really. Thank you, guys. I feel much better now."

"Are you sure? You know what they say, it's worth it to get a deep burn in your sweet thigh." James said, pointing to the little lump of a boy who was now rubbing his bare thighs. Remus blanched and forced a genuine looking smile across his tear-stained face.

"Definitely. Thank you all so much." All three boys hugged him tight and headed for the stairs.

"You coming, Wolf-boy?" Sirius asked. Remus stared dully across the room at his books scattered everywhere thanks to Sirius.

"No, I have some studying to do. See you tomorrow!" He waved happily to his friends as the ascended the stairs. Before they got to the dorm room, however, Sirius spun and faced Remus again.

"I'll be back." With that, he entered the room with his friends, leaving Remus alone in the large room. He hastily pulled out a roll of parchment and a quill and began writing a very angry letter to Dumbledore for allowing Sirius to watch all those muggle movies.

**Hope everyone enjoyed. Did you catch the quotes in there? Quotes brought to you by:**  
**Star Trek (twice), Harry Potter (twice), Lord of the Rings, Terminator, Blades of Glory, Pride and Prejudice, Star Wars**


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